Managing love at work? It's quite a job.

Love at first sight by the coffee machine or a one-night fling after a lively team-building event; many of us have had relationships with colleagues. But how do you manage this? What is legal and what is not? Should you talk about a relationship? And when? And what to do after a breakup? Here are some pointers to help.

“In the world I was in before, the media, love at work was omnipresent. There were legitimate couples, and others not so much. The work atmosphere, conditions, the WOW factor, and certain perks (trips, champagne parties, concert invitations, meetings with celebrities…) allowed for more familiarity. Soon enough, closer connections formed. In my teams, there were also real problems generated by this ‘offbeat’ side of the job that partners often didn’t understand. I found myself having to ‘call in’ employees several times to restate the boundaries of the workplace,” explains Didier, a former media director.

Love in the workplace is a complex subject because it is entirely irrational. What causes attraction to someone? Or love? Why do we prefer being near one person in a meeting rather than another?  It’s a complex subject, but not entirely impossible to grasp.

Should you officially acknowledge a relationship?

A 2019 study by Tempo Team on love at work revealed some particularly interesting figures. Among them: 47% of respondents were uncertain if “the employer allowed having a romantic relationship with a colleague.”

Officially acknowledging a romantic relationship with a colleague is not mandatory. However, some companies have their own internal regulations that sometimes encourage ensuring that a workplace relationship does not lead to conflicts of interest or negatively impact the work of the involved employees or the team. In some cases, the employer may invite one of the two employees to change departments, especially if there’s a conflict of interest or a risk of one. However, this invitation should not cause any harm and must be done by mutual agreement among all parties involved.

So there is no direct intervention by the company regarding what seems to be a private matter—except in cases where it’s found that the employee is favored due to this romantic relationship: flexible hours, promotions, salary increases…

Handling a breakup

Those who have experienced it know. There are those little looks, those small attentions. The heart racing a bit more in meetings when he/she is around. The desire to impress. And then there’s the closeness. Followed by the first kiss. And the story begins…

Some relationships are beautiful and joyful (“they married, lived happily ever after, and had many children”), while others come to an end. It’s the circle of life. But what do you do when you see him/her for 12 hours a day at the office? Sometimes it goes very well. Other times, it’s more complicated.

The role of HR in such situations can be approached at several levels. 

1. The first is to insist on the professional attitude that must be maintained in all circumstances. A breakup should not mean slacking off at work.
2. The second is to ensure that no psychological harassment occurs between the former lovers. This is even more crucial when there is an established hierarchy.
3. Sanction if necessary.
4. If one or the other’s work (or the team’s) is affected, consider transferring them to another department or unit.

My wife is my colleague

Meeting your partner at work, perhaps even your spouse, is common. What is less common is when both continue to work together. And it happens.

In this case, the field of activity often determines how the couple is perceived. In an NGO, an association, or in a more “social” and less competitive job, the couple will be viewed more favorably than in a sector with more strategic stakes: banking companies, political offices, or law firms. The reason lies in the much higher risk of finding oneself in conflict-of-interest situations in such jobs.

The pros and cons of working as a couple

Do you remember the SWOT technique, that famous framework used to evaluate the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats of a decision to be made within a company or a strategic position?

This method can also be applied to love at work.

• In the Strengths section, we’ll highlight companionship, listening skills, and reduced stress that can result from the relationship…
• In the Opportunities section, we will mention that you can telecommute together, that it provides you with someone by your side, and that it allows for schedule adjustments concerning family…
• In the Weaknesses section, we note that it is not always easy to differentiate personal life from work life, that being in a relationship at work can lead to distractions, and that for others, you may be seen not as two distinct beings, but as a block…
• In the Threats section, two points consistently arise and are raised by many HR managers: jealousy that one partner may feel towards close colleagues of their significant other, and the risk of a breakup that could affect work, as well as the team. We also note the potential for information retention or, conversely, privileged access to information. Lastly, there may be feelings of exclusion for others or favoritism. This situation is even more pronounced for couples where one partner holds a hierarchical position.

Flirting post-#MeToo 

“One day, a colleague told me: ‘You’re really super cute; it really highlights your very generous figure,’ emphasizing the ‘very.’ The next day, I hesitated to wear a sweater, before realizing that the problem wasn’t me, but him. I made it clear that it was the first and last time he spoke to me like that. A casual compliment? Sure! A bodily reference? No, thank you,” explains Charlotte, who works in a law office.

When you have a crush on someone, it’s not always easy to express it. And for good reason, notions of love and social interactions are evolving. They change over time, depending on regions, as well as social or professional environments. What is acceptable in one place may not be in another. What was acceptable at one point may no longer be today. In the office, this change is current. #MeToo has made its mark.

Charlotte’s testimony illustrates well that at work, it is essential to choose one’s words carefully when expressing what one feels “romantically” to avoid turning a flirtation into harassment.

Professions where love is found

Glassdoor, the American site where current and former employees anonymously evaluate companies, published two years ago, for Valentine’s Day, the Top 10 professions where one finds love. We share with you the Top 5:

5. Event Manager. Naturally, you meet many people, smile, and are friendly. All of this creates connections.
6. Real Estate Agent. The advantage for agents is that they can ask many questions that are seldom directly posed to people and that can really advance the meeting. “Are you single?” “Do you have children?” “Do you wish for any?” …
7. Recruitment Consultant. I believe this has your full attention. 😉 A profession involving direct contact with friendly people must surely be conducive to love.
8. Sports Coach. Do we really need to explain?
9. Flight Attendant. In other words: stewardesses or stewards. The reason given by Glassdoor is that with more than half of passengers fearing flying, they are more attentive to sweetness and sensitivity, making them more open to meeting someone.

Why do we fall in love at work?

There are reasons why it’s easier to fall in love at work than elsewhere. This is explained by the Harvard Business Review in an article published on February 14, 2019. Art Markman, a professor of psychology and marketing at the University of Texas at Austin, states: “You spend a significant amount of time at work, and if you put people close together, work together, and have open and personal conversations, there’s a high chance that romantic feelings will develop.” Research also shows that we tend to fall in love with people who are similar to us. Amy Nicole Baker, an associate psychology professor at the University of New Haven, specifies: “The more familiar you are with someone, the more likely you are to become attracted to each other.”

Source: https://hbr.org/2019/02/how-to-approach-an-office-romance-and-how-not-to 

Statistic: 25% 

25% of workers have already fallen in love with a colleague.

Statistic references from 2020.  ­